Then I realized that holy crap, I actually had to stick with it. There would be no magic fairy that was going to make this easy.
This realization made me sad.
Over the weekend my husband, father-in-law and I were discussing how former military members make good teachers. They have realistic expectations, know that sometimes you have to do crap jobs as part of the big picture (a gripe I often have about staff- yes, filing IS part of the job--- unless, of course, you are very pregnant like my assistant was), and in general, they will plow through to get something done.
Crossfit was designed with the military, firefighters, policeman in mind. People who don't have the option to quit in the middle of their jobs.
I am a financial advisor. When I have a bad day- you know, the coffee maker breaking, my computer not working 100%-- I can say "Screw it" and head home after 1 pm (the market close time for the west coast). And I do this.
I am not designed for Crossfit.
This hit me like a ton of bricks during our conversation. While I perceive myself as NOT a quitter, in some ways I am. I know how to work out. I could absolutely recreate the entire work out, get the work out of the day (WOD-- the acronyms crack me up... doing a WOD... c'mon...), and do it myself. Yet I don't. I need the coach. And even then, am I really giving it 100%?
When I was in high school I seriously considered the Naval Academy. I had wanted to be a doctor and they had the best pre-med program out of the military academies and seemed to have the most women. If I really wanted to be a doctor, the cost of grad school, med school, etc, was too much, so it was pretty much the best option. My dad is former army, I have many relatives who serve or have served, so it wasn't out of the question or discouraged.
But the truth was, it would have been too hard for me. Not academically. Mentally. I remember looking at the PT requirements, the daily work-outs and thinking "No. Way. Ever." And even medical school- without the military- seemed like a lot of work (ironically, I have spent more time in school with my graduate school and designations than if I had just gone to med school and done a residency).
It was too much work.
I quit before I started.
Me. Apparently, the only things I stick with are the things I am good at doing or enjoy. I bail before I begin at anything that makes me uncomfortable. I am a chicken.
Coincidentally, on Monday on the whiteboard they had listed 5 places that were hotter than Las Vegas- Afghanistan, Iraq, Oman, Sudan and the deck of an aircraft carrier- and we were only working out for 30 minutes, not 18 months.
My cousin and my many friends that have been served in the Middle East push through every day. They don't quit.
So now I'm at the fork in the road-- I can forge ahead with something that I am not skilled at and really give it 100% or just call it a day and do something a little less stressful and painful, being grateful for all the people that do have the tenacity to push through and know I am not one of them.
Let's face it, I was jumping rope this morning and felt like I was "dying." Yet somehow, I could still talk?
Which Mama Bean do I chose to be?
And it's not just Crossfit. This transcends into my life. Giving it 100%. All the time. Every time.
I joke about my lowest common denominator theory- that my 60% IS more than most people's 100%.
But it's not mine and I know it.
And somewhere in that conversation with my father-in-law and my husband, it sorta slapped me in the face.
I need tenacity.
That is what is holding me back. Sucking it up through the bad stuff, trudging ahead, brushing it off.
Getting it done.
Yesterday I put on an outfit and it very truly hung off me. As in too big to keep. My dress today is baggy. If you saw me, you might not even notice, but I do. It's nice. It will probably keep me going for awhile. I also know that it won't be consistent and steady. I might not have another "Wow" moment in the next month or so.
But the real battle is in my head. Despite the smile and the jokes (I can't pass on a good snatch joke), I am fighting the voice in my head saying "Why bother? You know you can't do it. You're not like these people."
As I wrote a few weeks back, this suddenly isn't about losing weight- it's about getting over what got me here in the first place.
I don't want to be the person that quits the second something gets difficult.
The jury is still out.
And the saga continues...