My Day Today

Today was one of those normal kind of days.  In fact, it actually started out fairly good except for the fact that I'm not feeling well.  Nothing serious- more on that later.

The kids were ready on time.  It was an early drop off for my son so he wouldn't have to walk with his/my trombone to school.  My daughter and I are back to our traditional weekly coffee date.

We went to Starbucks and it's pumpkin time!  I did comment that it was too early but I loves me some Pumpkin Spice Latte (PSL) with just "half the crap" as I like to order it.  And a pumpkin scone.  I limit myself to one each season.

The girl and I chatted.  Had fun.  Took a funny picture in the PSL logo in the door and determined that it stood for Pretty Sexy Lori.  I'll let you be the judge.

In fact, the morning had gone too well.  Even when I dropped my daughter off, she said "I feel like I'm forgetting something...."  because let's face it, when does life ever go this smoothly?

But it was.

When I got in the office, I asked my assistant Julie if she had ever had mornings that had gone TOO well.

Hers had as well and she completely understood the amount of stress caused by not having stress.

So I get to work and honestly, I really started to not feel well.

I should also explain that it takes a great deal of pain for me to go to the doctors.  Largely because I knew exactly what it was and the thought of sitting in a Quick Care (ironically titled) while I wasn't feeling well with the potential of catching 10,000 different illnesses for something I knew I had.... grrr.  Usually, I suck it up and self-cure with things like onions, honey and in this case, cranberry juice (every woman now knows exactly what was going on). 

But first I had lunch with some colleagues and a Girl Scout nut training session.  Or as I joked "I gotta go learn about the girls' nuts" because I am 12 and nuts is a hilarious word.

So I got to lunch and my colleague brought another colleague.  Which meant it really was going to be a working lunch after all.  And my issue was making me a little uncomfortable and I was starting to get a bit of a fever.  But the third colleague was very impressed with my practice management systems- "Wow- you're really good"- and it cheered me up.  So then we ate and I started to joke around about my kids, puberty, parenting- which is ALL hilarious- and he said... and I quote:

"You are as funny as Tina Fey.  Seriously.  Your timing.  Your wit.  You're hilarious."

As funny as Tina Fey.

Do you know how HUGE a compliment that is for a nerdy, funny girl?

What Christie Brinkley was to the cheerleaders in the 80s, Tina Fey is to the smart, funny chicks that dated band geeks, now in their 40s.

Had I died at that moment (which was a possibility as my fever was getting worse), it would have been a life well lived.

And. It. Came. From. A. Guy.

He not only knew a female comedian, he clearly thought she was funny. 

And now it was off to the Nut Meeting.  There is a system that is used called e-nuts.  So there I sat, grossly uncomfortable for reasons referenced above, trying really hard NOT to say something inappropriate. 

And I got there late and then had to leave to pee- twice (and if you are still not picking up on what my issue is....). I'm certain they thought I had a drug problem from my fidgeting and frequent departures.


We finished early, I checked my email and was nothing crazy going on without me and I thought I really need to get to the doctor.

And off I go to the Ironically Named Not Quick Quick Care.  I couldn't find a parking spot initially and I thought "If I don't find a spot, I'm just going home...." but then one opened up.  I also was starting to sweat and I really needed to get some medical attention.

Of course it's like a freaking crazy pen.  Truly.  I find a seat next to a young mother with her baby.  Babies LOVE me.

Not this one.

I do my smile, wave thing.  It usually KILLS.  This kid looked at me and started shrieking.  Awesome.  I made a baby cry. 

After she was called up to fill out her paperwork, she did not elect to sit by me.

My next form of entertainment is the lovely older couple and their brother (?) who is clearly not okay mentally.  He was wondering around the parking lot and I thought he was homeless.  There was a newspaper next to me and he grabbed it.  "He likes to read," she said, "It keeps him calm."  Well alrighty then- read away.  It was better than the pacing. 

But then she starts reading.

Out loud.

At a reading level of a second grader. 

And then she started commenting.  About the President.  Negatively.  Somebody should fire that guy.

I'm going out on a limb and saying these folks were utilizing some government assistance programs.  Which is completely fine- I'm glad they have them- but I don't think the black guy is the root of their issues.

Then they moved onto to Syrian refugees- oh wait- I meant "those terrorists."  Umm.... I think they were running from the terrorists, but hey, what do I know?

So this continues on and on and on for AN HOUR.

I pee two more times.

Then I move because the cadence      is    too   much   and   the  big  words  are cu  cumbers  cumbersome.

And I sit next to this freaking adorable little girl- about 3 or 4 and she has Twilight the pony.  Now I know my ponies because my daughter IS Pinkie Pie pony.  She's forced me to watch more shows.  The little is quite impressed with my knowledge of Pony Land.  Apple Jack- I know her- she works on the farm.  This kid is STUNNED.  So I text my husband and ask him to have my daughter send some pictures of her ponies.

I'm the coolest adult ever.

The baby lady is now convinced that I'm a pedophile. I moved near her new spot.

We are into hour 2.  The pony talk is starting to wane as is my phone battery.

I am now fascinated by the mom with 2 kids who has managed to not say a word to them for 2 hours.

Then her phone battery dies.

So we chat going into hour 3.

I get triaged, the nurse laughs at my situation "well when the cranberry juice didn't work...." and I get to wait some more out in Crazy Land aka The Lobby.

So I finally get called back, read a little WebMD magazine, take a nap (I'm not kidding) and the doctor shows up.

I loved him.  Anyone who starts off joking about and the fact that he may or may not be on the autism spectrum is okay in my book.  Then after we chat, he diagnoses me by saying "Well, let me officially diagnose you with what you already know you have..." He then explains that one of the drugs I will be taking will turn my pee orange "But if you have a blacklight..."

and I stop him and say "Go on... we just got one over the weekend"... he pauses realizing this is an odd coincidence as well...

Apparently, my orange pee is going to look super cool with a blacklight.  I am now envisioning the entire family gathered around our toilet checking this out.  Because we will totally be all over this.

I mean sparkling, glow in the dark pee-- does it get any better? 

Then he says "It has been a pleasure.  It is so nice to talk with a normal person."  And I explained that having sat in the lobby for nearly 4 hours, I completely understood.

And then the nurse apologized for making me wait for so long for something that I already knew what was wrong but hey- it all worked out.  I made some new friends.

I got home, we had dinner and then my daughter proceeds to tell me that she told her science teacher that she had taken a DNA test like I told her to (they are studying genetics and biology and I thought he might find it interesting) "but he didn't say anything..." So I asked if she had told him that she had taken a DNA test to test her ancestry- and she replied "No... why?"  Because I'm guessing that her teacher now thinks we are going to go on Maury Povich.

Awesome.

And to add a cherry to the top of the sundae, as I was tucking her in she commented that she was having trouble sleeping because she kept thinking how awful it would have been had our cruise ship sunk this summer and her teddy bear had been trapped on board.  Last year they studied the Titanic.  Clearly this is a rational thought, a month after the cruise.

Because this is how my days go.

I pee.

I have some pumpkin coffee.

I get told I'm as funny as Tina Fey.

I make nut jokes in my head.

I make a baby cry.

I talk Pinkie Pony.

I learn that in 2 days my pee will glow.

And the entire PTO thinks I'm looking for the baby daddy.

This is my world.