How Sandy Hook Changed How I Parented Forever
I remember the Sandy Hook shooting like it was yesterday.
That morning, I was rushing to get the kids ready.
My son was in 4th grade and hated being late. To a point of almost being neurotic.
My daughter was in 1st grade and had no concept of time. To a point that it was like herding a cat.
I had the TV on that morning and I overheard there had been a shooting at school in Danbury. I lived in Danbury very briefly after college- not long enough to have connections, but long enough to know the area.
Instead of turning it off, like I usually did to keep the "out the door" flow going, I turned it up and realized it was the school near my apartment- I drove by it daily for 2 months.
I remember thinking it was probably a teacher's angry ex spouse or partner and hoping the kids were okay. As soon as I noticed my kids were watching it, I turned it off and said "C'mon... let's get going..." I didn't want them to worry.
I don't know if one of the kids went upstairs to get something (we called that the time vacuum--- they would always get distracted and I'd have to retrieve them) or if it was because I had watched the news, but we were running late. My son was in a panic and my daughter was dancing or twirling because she was 6 years old, it was near her birthday and the holidays and why not?
I got them in the car, survived the mess that is school drop off and shooed them out of the car.
As I headed to the office- I was a block away- I heard sirens. They were coming from the school area.
I started to panic.
What if this was some sort of coordinated attack?
What if it was something at their school?
I pulled over to calm down.
It takes a lot to get me that upset.
So as I sat on the side of the road the thought that I kept racing in my head over and over was this--
Had I said "I love you" before I rushed them out of the car?
Did they know?
Because all I could remember was being in a hurry and not being my best self. I was upset about what had happened in Danbury, we were late-- and my worry about Danbury and being late made me miss all the good that was there with me in that car.
My amazing children.
Would their last memory be of me rushing around that morning too busy to tell them that I love them?
I got myself pulled together and I drove past the school. Everything was fine.
There had been a fender bender a block away.
Nothing to worry about.
But in that moment I made a commitment to myself- there will never be a day that I do not tell my kids I love them. I will never let a last moment- a drop off to anything, be one of anger.
If it is, there's a text. "Sorry I was in a bad mood- have fun, I love you."
And what might surprise you is after 8 years of drills requiring them to hide under desks, my kids always say "I love you" when they leave. They get it.
That one brief moment as we leave each other has become this sacred moment of "If I never see you again, know that I love you."
Later that day, we learned what happened at Sandy Hook. I imagined my daughter- the same age as the children who were murdered- sitting in her morning circle, singing songs and starting her day. She is a daily reminder of how lucky I am to have her when the other parents lost their babies. She is nearly 14 and is this amazing, wonderful young woman. Every day has felt like a gift.
And I think it's because of Sandy Hook. Because of that moment of terror after I dropped them off.
Because I live with a daily fear that one day, it could be my child.
The text I got the day my son's high school went on a hard lock down 2 years ago, shook my soul.
"Mom, we're on hard lock down- I'm under my desk. I didn't want you to worry. I love you. I'm not supposed to be texting."
Don't worry. I worry every day.
He was fine. He came home.
When people comment on the relationship I have with my children- how we talk about everything, how we laugh, how we spend time together, how I stay calm with them-- it's because of what happened at Sandy Hook. It changed me. It changed everything. It made me a better mother.
I will never take for granted each moment I have been given with them.
Because I know across the country there are parents who would do anything to have those moments with their children.
I will not squander my time on silly things that don't matter.
I will appreciate just being.
That morning, I was rushing to get the kids ready.
My son was in 4th grade and hated being late. To a point of almost being neurotic.
My daughter was in 1st grade and had no concept of time. To a point that it was like herding a cat.
I had the TV on that morning and I overheard there had been a shooting at school in Danbury. I lived in Danbury very briefly after college- not long enough to have connections, but long enough to know the area.
Instead of turning it off, like I usually did to keep the "out the door" flow going, I turned it up and realized it was the school near my apartment- I drove by it daily for 2 months.
I remember thinking it was probably a teacher's angry ex spouse or partner and hoping the kids were okay. As soon as I noticed my kids were watching it, I turned it off and said "C'mon... let's get going..." I didn't want them to worry.
I don't know if one of the kids went upstairs to get something (we called that the time vacuum--- they would always get distracted and I'd have to retrieve them) or if it was because I had watched the news, but we were running late. My son was in a panic and my daughter was dancing or twirling because she was 6 years old, it was near her birthday and the holidays and why not?
I got them in the car, survived the mess that is school drop off and shooed them out of the car.
As I headed to the office- I was a block away- I heard sirens. They were coming from the school area.
I started to panic.
What if this was some sort of coordinated attack?
What if it was something at their school?
I pulled over to calm down.
It takes a lot to get me that upset.
So as I sat on the side of the road the thought that I kept racing in my head over and over was this--
Had I said "I love you" before I rushed them out of the car?
Did they know?
Because all I could remember was being in a hurry and not being my best self. I was upset about what had happened in Danbury, we were late-- and my worry about Danbury and being late made me miss all the good that was there with me in that car.
My amazing children.
Would their last memory be of me rushing around that morning too busy to tell them that I love them?
I got myself pulled together and I drove past the school. Everything was fine.
There had been a fender bender a block away.
Nothing to worry about.
But in that moment I made a commitment to myself- there will never be a day that I do not tell my kids I love them. I will never let a last moment- a drop off to anything, be one of anger.
If it is, there's a text. "Sorry I was in a bad mood- have fun, I love you."
And what might surprise you is after 8 years of drills requiring them to hide under desks, my kids always say "I love you" when they leave. They get it.
That one brief moment as we leave each other has become this sacred moment of "If I never see you again, know that I love you."
Later that day, we learned what happened at Sandy Hook. I imagined my daughter- the same age as the children who were murdered- sitting in her morning circle, singing songs and starting her day. She is a daily reminder of how lucky I am to have her when the other parents lost their babies. She is nearly 14 and is this amazing, wonderful young woman. Every day has felt like a gift.
And I think it's because of Sandy Hook. Because of that moment of terror after I dropped them off.
Because I live with a daily fear that one day, it could be my child.
The text I got the day my son's high school went on a hard lock down 2 years ago, shook my soul.
"Mom, we're on hard lock down- I'm under my desk. I didn't want you to worry. I love you. I'm not supposed to be texting."
Don't worry. I worry every day.
He was fine. He came home.
When people comment on the relationship I have with my children- how we talk about everything, how we laugh, how we spend time together, how I stay calm with them-- it's because of what happened at Sandy Hook. It changed me. It changed everything. It made me a better mother.
I will never take for granted each moment I have been given with them.
Because I know across the country there are parents who would do anything to have those moments with their children.
I will not squander my time on silly things that don't matter.
I will appreciate just being.
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