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Sunday, April 10, 2011

Reduction Deduction

Warning- you are entering the Zone of Too Much Information

One day, when I was 12 years old, I awoke to find a set of knockers upon my chest. 

Now, for most girls, this would be a fabulous day.

For me, alas, it was not.

You see, I was a tomboy of sorts.  I liked sports.  I liked tap dancing.  These are both things that become more difficult with a big set of boobs.

I remember sitting in the back of the bus with my 2 closest friends since first grade, Ed and David, when they both said, in unison, "Wow, you've got boobs."  We had hit a speed bump.

Thanks guys.

Later that year, in 7th grade, was the first time my back went out.  I was doing a lay up in gym class.  Ouch.  I became a more cautious and much less useful basketball player.  Welcome to the B team.  Sigh.

Tap dancing was the next to go.

I hid them well throughout most of high school.  Even into college.  Occasionally, a few people would notice.  They usually were PWP's- People With Penises.  Once they noticed, it became difficult for them not to stare.  Sigh.

My boyfriend at my lovely Ivy League alma mater even commented "Wow, you could be a stripper!"  Thanks. 

Don't get me wrong, I have used them to my advantage from time to time.  When I worked in a bar, I used the $10 button rule- for every button lower on my blouse, I ended the night with an extra $10-$20.  Also, leaning in, after I served a drink usually resulted in more than "Keep the change, kid."  They paid for college in some ways we could say.

But the back issues continued.  I did yoga.  I ate macrobiotic to reduce inflammation.  I stretched religiously every morning.

When I entered the professional world, I always dressed somewhat dowdy.  It just made life easier.  One time I wore a turtleneck while I taught a class. Under a jacket.  I got hot.  I took off my jacket. Bad idea. Hellooooo... I'm up here!!!  My female boss very politely commented that I wear something else the next time I taught.  You know, something less sexy THAN A TURTLENECK.

Then I had a car accident.  My back was hurt, but the orthopedist pointed out, at age 26, that most of the damage was pre-existing from my "large chest.  Not that I don't appreciate them."  He actually said that in a much less creepy way than that sounds...


I worked out.  I went to physical therapy.  I dealt with it.

Into my 30's I had kids.  At no point during my pregnancy was my stomach ever bigger than my boobs.  No cute baby bump for me.  And forget finding cute maternity clothes.  I went with the "Whatever I Can Get Over My Chest" clothing line.  Nursing was a bit of a challenge, but the girls served their purpose.  They were a little sadder and lower when I was done.  The good news, the shifting put pressure on a completely different part of my back- great!  It was also convenient when I had my daughter- I didn't need a Boppy Pillow!  My friend used to joke that she had 34 Longs. I completely understand that now.

And my back kept hurting.  And exercise became more difficult, not only to fit in, but to actually do.

I went to a chiropractor.  It worked pretty well.  For awhile.  I am an advocate.

Then my disc slipped.

And my shoulders have dents that I can probably rest pencils in from bra straps working diligently over the past 30 years.  They have been trying to do the impossible.

I tried to get insurance to cover the obvious need for a reduction, but they won't.  I have no "history" of back pain.  Huh? 

I'm too fat.  I like to say I grew into my boobs.  They are the same size they were 50 pounds ago.

But yes, you see, if I exercise my back goes out.  For 10 years every time I have started an exercise program-- even supvervised- my back eventually goes.

Well, I should lose weight.

So I did.

But not enough.

So I lost some more.

Still not enough. 

So I asked- "How much is enough?"

Well, there's not set figure.


So I decided, oddly on the day of Elizabeth Taylor's death- another well endowed woman with back pain- that this is it.  The girls have served their purpose and now it's time for a little medical intervention, insurance be damned.

Oddly, I feel guilty.  I know enough women that have survived breast cancer that I feel guilty about having mine reduced. 

I also feel guilty spending money that could be used for something more important on something that my mid-western mind is having a hard time as seeing as important.

But I just can't take it anymore.

It is not my fault that I have big boobs any more than it's my fault that my nose is not particularly cute.  Oddly, I could easily have that fixed due to a deviated septum.  The amount of money that will be spent on "fixing" my back is probably substantially more than the cost of a reduction.  If I had had implants, they would pay to have those removed.  I guess my natural "implants" (aka boobs) don't count.
But I guess that's how insurance companies roll these days.
And there is the fact that I would like to be able to buy a shirt in a normal size- not three sizes bigger so I can button it.  I would like to be able to run. I would like to be able to workout for more than a month. Heck,  I would like to be able to sit upright for crying out loud.

Everyone I know who has had a reduction has said it's the best thing since seamless underwire.  I'm in.

Please note, I'm not anti-boob by any means.  I support boobs.  I just can't support mine any more.


You may now return to your regular programming.  And please note, that if I catch you staring at my chest the next time I see you, I will slap you silly.  Thank you.


vitor68 said...

What can I say Lori? NO, seriously, what can I say without offending people?!

Nah, that was funny, you keep writing just as you have, it's hilarious!

Vicki said...

PWP's - hahhahaha - best of luck in the reduction process, Lori!

Mama Bean said...

How funny that this has gotten the most hits out if all my blogs! Who would have thought boobs were such a popular topic?

Tor, I made need you to write a statement for my insurance claim about my bikini days. Not that you noticed, of course...

Mama said...

Sis in law did it a few years ago - she suddenly looked so right, and so skinny!! She always was small on the bottom, (and short to boot) but you never noticed that she was a tiny thing, because she had boobs that were obviously meant for someone else. Looks fabulous now, way happier! (still nicely endowed, just more appropriate for the rest of her!)

Mama Bean said...

Sadly, my concern is that my butt will look even bigger... however, I am hopeful that I can work on that part with a little less on top.