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Monday, January 30, 2012

Scales and Photos Don't Lie

I am so appreciative of all the support I've gotten as I've tried to get this weight thing under control.  Seriously.  This is just a complete and total vent and not some pathetic cry for "Tell me I'm beautiful..."

Okay, so at WW's this week they suggested we take photos along the way to record our weight loss.

Fantastic idea, right?

No freaking way.

To quote the woman as I weighed in (who, to her credit is normally a little perkier than she was this past Sunday) "The scale doesn't lie."  This was in response to my very candid, off handed remark when she informed me that I had only lost one pound and I said "Wow- really?"  It was directed more at the universe, not a personal affront to her ability to read the scale.  You see, my scale at home is pretty much the same as their scale.  So when I was surprised that somewhere along the 2 mile drive I had gained 1.5 pounds, I responded with what I felt was a natural response of "Wow- how did that happen?"

But to her point, the scale doesn't lie.

I know I should be looking at the "non-scale victories" as they call them at Weight Watchers, but darn it, it would be nice to actually see the scale move a little more than at a snail's pace.  I was so excited to have more than a 2 pound loss, but apparently I drove through some sort of weight gain invisible shower on my way there.

This week I did have a "clothing epiphany"- and please excuse the quotations-- whenever there is some hilariously cheesy WW phrase, I prefer to put in quotations so no one blames me for the cheese.  I would also like to caution you NOT to mock the phrases because I have, as stated earlier, drank the Weight Watcher kool aid.  It's like family-- I can mock mine, but you can't.

Anyhow, so my big clothing epiphany-- I took my jeans from the dryer and put them on without doing that little dance where you squeeze yourself into them and jump up and down to wiggle them on.  I put them on and they fit.  Loosely.  Damn the scale to hell.

So I was feeling pretty good.

And then I saw the video from our dance recital from December 2010 and I look like a shuffling Oompa Loompa.  I had seen it before but never on a big screen.  I do not do well on widescreen.  Now your next natural comment is "But you've lost weight since then."

No.  I haven't.

I am exactly what I was when that was taped.  During the last 3 years I have gained 20 pounds, lost 30, gained 25, and have most recently lost 14.  Which if you follow that, pretty much leaves me where I was 3 years ago.  Which is still 60 pounds overweight.  And that doesn't count the 30 pounds I lost 8 years ago and gained back.  In the past 8 years I have lost 74 pounds and ended up exactly where I started.  *&((*&(*&@#!

So woohoo!  I have almost lost weight that I've already lost.

Yea me.

Please note sarcastic tone in my typing.

And then I was looking at pictures from when my son was 2.  We were actually looking at pictures of my husband and how much weight he's lost (125+ pounds- pretty amazing).  For me, however, it was depressing.  It was the lowest weight I had been in my 30's-- still overweight, but nothing like now. I stayed there until I got pregnant with my daughter and got back down to it pretty quickly.  Then it all fell apart. 

ANYHOW, so I don't particularly find the idea of photographs very motivating.  Degrading and demoralizing, yes, motivating, no.

It's just I see the pictures and rather than get all jazzed at "Wow- I've lost 13 pounds!" I think "Gee- I'm almost back to what I was when I first started to lose weight and realized I was fat!"

See how that's not exactly motivating?

I think for me I might as well just be honest with myself.  The scale doesn't lie

Today at Zumba I was feeling all good about myself.  I finally had the nerve to look into the mirror.  You know what?  I've got some moves down.  The reason I looked was because I noticed the newbies were watching ME to see how to do things-- granted, the teacher was hard to see, but still- ME!  Tubby, oompa loompa me.  So I snuck a peak and thought "Shake it sista!"  And then right before the end of class, I caught a side view.

There was the Oompa Loompa staring back at me.

Listen, it is what it is.  That's what I told my tap teacher when I told how horrified I was by video.  She said the new costumes are more forgiving.  I told her "Millie, they were all black last time.  What could be more forgiving?  It is what it is."

And it is.

The only thing I can do is keep trying.  I can't fix what was.  Pictures don't lie.

Looking at what I used to be is depressing.  The horror of how I let myself go is demoralizing.

I think for now, I'll keep on keeping on.  There's no turning back.  There's no Plan B.

Just don't expect me to be happy about it.


mindymayg said...

I feel exactly the same way, Lori, especially this week since everyone was posting "retro" pictures of themselves on facebook, myself included. How did "that Mindy" become "this Mindy"? It makes me a bit sad for Jeff, too, since he met me when I was "that Mindy". I used to like pictures of myself, now the angle and the lighting has to be just right for me to find a photo of myself acceptable. But unlike you, I haven't been doing much about it for a while. I need to start tap class with you guys. The idea of a recital video might be enough to get me motivated (as if my 25 year high school reunion this summer wasn't enough).

Norma said...

Scales do, in fact, lie and that is why I despise WW's reliance on that as an indicator of "success" -- I have a lot of other issues with WW but they are neither here nor there. The truth is, you could sit naked in your bathroom for 24 hours, not eat a bite or drink a sip, get on the scale every 60 minutes and get 15-20 different readings within a two-pound range. I often weigh myself at home as soon as I wake up and then again after I've had a...visit to the bathroom...and I will weigh ounces MORE after having used the toilet. I will then eat breakfast, get the kids going, arrive at the gym 90 minutes later, weigh in there with clothes on and see a result a few ounces LIGHTER than my very first morning step on the scale at home. And after an hour workout I'll test again, just for entertainment value, and I can be exactly the same or as much as a pound different +/-. So tell her to go play in traffic next time she used that outdated shameful "diet" thinking on you.

Mama Bean said...

Well come on and join us! It is so much stinking fun-- the new routine is a blast. It's really motivated me to get in shape so I can tap better! Plus, it's just nice to have something that has nothing to do with anything else in my life-- an hour of pure joy for me. I love it. And seriously, what else are you going to do from 8-9 pm on a Thursday?

As for poor Jeff- from what I can see, I think he sees you as his beautiful wife. Which, by the way, you are! I always joke that we should have added "For fatter, for thinner" to our vows!

I'm always torn on focusing on what I DID look like versus what I WILL look like. I also feel like I've let 10-15 years go by that I won't get back fighting this stupid weight thing. And then I'm torn about just biting the bullet and going all "Biggest Loser" on it-- but I know I won't stick to it. I just want to have it off, look hot and get on with things!

Mama Bean said...

I hear ya! I never count pre-pee weigh-in's. I am always hopeful that I can pee 2 pounds, but alas, it has not happened!

As for WW-- they have really changed the program. I never would join before because I had issues with the fact that I could eat a piece of cake or a healthy dinner-- never made sense. It's much more geared towards encouraging healthy habits- fruit has no points (and to quote one leader when people panicked "Listen, none of you got here from eating too much fruit"), more nutritious food has lower points, and they now added activity goals-- not just to add to your points, but as separate goals. The concept of "eat your activity" is being replaced by "do this minimum of activity." I have to say, it seems way more reasonable than the old plan. During the meetings they definitely try to take the focus off the scale. I think the gal was having a crappy day and was pissy. After weighing 50 people and dealing with all their emotional crap (i was one of the last people to weigh in), she probably had had enough!