I am so appreciative of all the support I've gotten as I've tried to get this weight thing under control. Seriously. This is just a complete and total vent and not some pathetic cry for "Tell me I'm beautiful..."
Okay, so at WW's this week they suggested we take photos along the way to record our weight loss.
Fantastic idea, right?
No freaking way.
To quote the woman as I weighed in (who, to her credit is normally a little perkier than she was this past Sunday) "The scale doesn't lie." This was in response to my very candid, off handed remark when she informed me that I had only lost one pound and I said "Wow- really?" It was directed more at the universe, not a personal affront to her ability to read the scale. You see, my scale at home is pretty much the same as their scale. So when I was surprised that somewhere along the 2 mile drive I had gained 1.5 pounds, I responded with what I felt was a natural response of "Wow- how did that happen?"
But to her point, the scale doesn't lie.
I know I should be looking at the "non-scale victories" as they call them at Weight Watchers, but darn it, it would be nice to actually see the scale move a little more than at a snail's pace. I was so excited to have more than a 2 pound loss, but apparently I drove through some sort of weight gain invisible shower on my way there.
This week I did have a "clothing epiphany"- and please excuse the quotations-- whenever there is some hilariously cheesy WW phrase, I prefer to put in quotations so no one blames me for the cheese. I would also like to caution you NOT to mock the phrases because I have, as stated earlier, drank the Weight Watcher kool aid. It's like family-- I can mock mine, but you can't.
Anyhow, so my big clothing epiphany-- I took my jeans from the dryer and put them on without doing that little dance where you squeeze yourself into them and jump up and down to wiggle them on. I put them on and they fit. Loosely. Damn the scale to hell.
So I was feeling pretty good.
And then I saw the video from our dance recital from December 2010 and I look like a shuffling Oompa Loompa. I had seen it before but never on a big screen. I do not do well on widescreen. Now your next natural comment is "But you've lost weight since then."
No. I haven't.
I am exactly what I was when that was taped. During the last 3 years I have gained 20 pounds, lost 30, gained 25, and have most recently lost 14. Which if you follow that, pretty much leaves me where I was 3 years ago. Which is still 60 pounds overweight. And that doesn't count the 30 pounds I lost 8 years ago and gained back. In the past 8 years I have lost 74 pounds and ended up exactly where I started. *&((*&(*&@#!
So woohoo! I have almost lost weight that I've already lost.
Please note sarcastic tone in my typing.
And then I was looking at pictures from when my son was 2. We were actually looking at pictures of my husband and how much weight he's lost (125+ pounds- pretty amazing). For me, however, it was depressing. It was the lowest weight I had been in my 30's-- still overweight, but nothing like now. I stayed there until I got pregnant with my daughter and got back down to it pretty quickly. Then it all fell apart.
ANYHOW, so I don't particularly find the idea of photographs very motivating. Degrading and demoralizing, yes, motivating, no.
It's just I see the pictures and rather than get all jazzed at "Wow- I've lost 13 pounds!" I think "Gee- I'm almost back to what I was when I first started to lose weight and realized I was fat!"
See how that's not exactly motivating?
I think for me I might as well just be honest with myself. The scale doesn't lie
Today at Zumba I was feeling all good about myself. I finally had the nerve to look into the mirror. You know what? I've got some moves down. The reason I looked was because I noticed the newbies were watching ME to see how to do things-- granted, the teacher was hard to see, but still- ME! Tubby, oompa loompa me. So I snuck a peak and thought "Shake it sista!" And then right before the end of class, I caught a side view.
There was the Oompa Loompa staring back at me.
Listen, it is what it is. That's what I told my tap teacher when I told how horrified I was by video. She said the new costumes are more forgiving. I told her "Millie, they were all black last time. What could be more forgiving? It is what it is."
And it is.
The only thing I can do is keep trying. I can't fix what was. Pictures don't lie.
Looking at what I used to be is depressing. The horror of how I let myself go is demoralizing.
I think for now, I'll keep on keeping on. There's no turning back. There's no Plan B.
Just don't expect me to be happy about it.