A few days ago I wrote a very heartfelt blog about how excited I was to spend quality time with my kids this summer.
Perhaps I blogged prematurely.
(that sounds dirty, doesn't it?)
Well, today was the last day of school.
We needed to get the teachers gift cards before school. We were going to go to Starbucks for breakfast. It was just a half day, so I didn't need to pack lunches. There was no need to hurry or rush.
Well, that went to crap in a hurry.
At 8:15 my children eventually made it downstairs. I am CONVINCED that there is a time warp in our staircase. From the time I hear "I'm coming" to the time I actually see them is a half hour journey. We are not the Kennedy's. We do not have a compound. It's a few steps. A few steps that clearly have a black hole that sucks them in on their way down the stairs.
So here they are.
And no, their hair is not brushed.
My son has also clearly been sleeping in the garbage or something.
"Skip- are those the same shorts you had on yesterday?" Why yes, they are. Because clearly the other shorts he has that are exactly the same are far too difficult to put on. So back up the stairs he goes. I know I've lost him into the blackhole for a few more minutes.
Then here comes Zoey. She wants to brush her own hair. Isn't her outfit cute?
Seriously- no. It was a striped grey/black skirt with a cute purple sparkly t-shirt that in no situation matched. And brown shoes.
But hey, it's now 8:20. I can't afford to lose her to the blackhole so we go with it. She sorta brushes her hair. I throw in some ponytails.
At 8:30 Skip reappears and we leave for Albertsons.
In the car Skip notices that we have not had breakfast.
No, son, we have not. BECAUSE WE HAVE TO GET GIFTS FOR YOUR TEACHERS BECAUSE I AM THE ONLY PERSON WHO APPARENTLY GIVES A CRAP THAT YOUR TEACHERS KNOW HOW MUCH WE LOVE THEM.
There is a Starbucks in our Albertson's. With a giant line. So much for breakfast. I take the kids to the card section to pick out a thank you card.
No Zoey, that is not a thank you card. That is a housewarming card. I know your teacher moved recently but you need to get a card that says Thank You. How's this one...
No... that is a wedding card... would you please just come over here and look at these...
Skip is now also taking his time to peruse the selection.
I finally grabbed a funny one and said HERE-- he laughed. It was good. I grabbed one for Zoey.
Sad faces. They wanted to pick out their own cards.
Now comes the gift card selection.
No Skip, Mrs. Hill probably does not want a gift card for Nintendo...
Here... how's Starbucks and the Cheesecake Factory?
Now we are off to the register. It is 8:50. They are hungry.
I fed them Snickers bars.
Yes, that's right. My children had Snickers bars for breakfast. It was that or Tic-Tacs.
So much for our special last day of school morning.
Then we get to the school and CRAP- it's the 5th grade graduation so every parent, grandparent, etc. is at the school. And they are resurfacing all the streets in the neighborhood so it's a freaking obstacle course to get there.
Then they are gone. Phew. No hugs. No kisses. No photos. Just the backs of their heads.
And I rush off to the office because I am buried. In a good way, but really, really busy. I should have never gone in and just taken the day off like I planned. I can never seem to get much done, even in 3 hours.
I had to pick them up at what I thought was 12:45 but was really 12:40. And everyone is already leaving and I get the "You were late!" speech from the children who took 30 minutes to walk down 18 stairs.
Really? Really kids? 5 freaking minutes?? In 7 years of school, they've been late once getting there, but I suck at the pick up times. My husband is the pick up guy. He is done at 2:15. But it was also his last day of school as well and he didn't get a half day. Or if he did and hit happy hour with his colleagues, well, that's okay, too.
So now I had envisioned a nice afternoon- lunch at their choice of restaurant and maybe a movie? But first, they had to argue about where we were going for lunch.
We decide on CiCis Pizza. Yum. Okay, not so much. But hey, it was their day, right? So the fact that I am not eating gluten or dairy right now does not make pizza the best choice to begin with, but I'm cool. I roll with it. I can eat off their salad bar with 5 toppings. Mmmmmm.
It was packed. As in crazy packed. As in opening day of Disneyland packed.
We found a table. They ate. They bickered. Then the following exchanges occured:
Zoey is whining that she wants tokens-- it's not
in the greatest neighborhood and it was standing room only-- then she
started in about the party that I hadn't heard anything about it---so I'm
trying to text the mom to see if she really was invited or if her daughter was just telling
everyone to come over (both our girls tend to do that- holidays,
vacations-- they are givers).
My daughter starts in on this hilarious speech about how it's not good for her to watch TV. "Is that what you want, Mom? I don't think it's good for me to sit on the couch and watch TV. I want to go swimming. It's not healthy for kids to sit on the couch and do nothing..."
I, of course, find this hilarious so I get out my phone to record her.
"Mom, this is NOT funny. I'm serious. Don't you record this and put it on the internet."
So I put it away, cracking up. I was totally going to do that.
Now I'm trying to text my husband-- then my other
friend had called and I was thinking maybe she wanted to do something or was
going to this one pool party.. and the kids are fighting and arguing over a scratch Skip
has on his arm (my daughter did NOT think it was funny when I said he
was fighting a wildebeast) and why don't we ever do anything fun... and
I'm texting and answering questions... and can she please have tokens...
and no, you cannot because you cannot go into the arcade alone because it's packed in there and I'm trying to
figure out what we're doing this afternoon... and wait, Skip you have an
invitation to a party at 3:30-- wait... I did know that... wasn't it after school??? are you sure it was at 3:30-- that doesn't sound right..you don't
want to see a movie--- you do want to see a movie... hang on... I'm
getting the details about the pool party... no, you cannot have tokens...I know you want a rubber duck from the machine... hang on a second...stop touching each other...Zoey, I will buy you a
rubber duck... it is packed in there... would you please be nice to your
sister... okay... do you want anything else... I am checking on the
pool party... let me see what your dad wants to do... will you PLEASE
quit fighting... no... YOU CANNOT HAVE ANY TOKENS! WE ARE LEAVING NOW.
we fought our way through the crowd-- I cannot begin to tell you how
crazy busy it was-- and I lost my shit in the car. "I TOOK TIME OFF
WORK SO WE COULD SPEND THE AFTERNOON TOGETHER. I THOUGHT WE COULD DO
SOMETHING FUN BUT APPARENTLY NO MATTER WHAT I DO IT WILL NOT BE ENOUGH.
ISN'T IT BAD ENOUGH YOU MADE ME EAT THIS CRAPPY PIZZA?? I AM NOT
RAISING SPOILED AND UNGRATEFUL LITTLE BRATS AND THAT IS EXACTLY HOW YOU
ARE ACTING. I THOUGHT YOU WOULD WANT TO SPEND TIME TOGETHER BUT I GUESS
YOU'D RATHER JUST FIGHT. SO LET ME TELL YOU WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO--
WE ARE GOING TO GO HOME AND YOU ARE GOING TO SIT IN YOUR ROOMS AND
APPRECIATE YOUR GIANT ROOMS SURROUNDED BY ALL YOUR TOYS. I DON'T EXPECT
YOU TO CALL ME MOTHER, GODDESS OF ALL-- ALTHOUGH OCCASIONALLY FROM
TIME TO TIME THAT WOULD BE NICE-- BUT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WHEN WE TRY
TO DO SOMETHING FUN WOULD IT KILL YOU NOT TO SUCK THE FUN OUT OF IT?
YOU ARE FUNSUCKERS. AND HERE'S ANOTHER THING-- CLEAN OUT THE BACK SEAT. I DON'T WANT
ANYTHING BACK THERE BY THE TIME WE GET HOME. ALL OF IT."
And then we drove home in silence.
And my son's pool party, after he rode his bike in the heat (105) was over at 3:30. It was, in fact, after school.
And my daughter did not watch TV because since she felt so strongly that it was a bad thing to do, I did not allow it.
For 2 hours, our house was dead quiet.
But in the end, and I kid you not, the kids did, in fact, have a complete turn around in behavior. Almost miraculous. They were very apologetic. They knew that had crossed a line with the gimme-gimme-gimme.
I got some work done at home. They chillaxed.
Oh- and the best part-- the backseat of my car is immaculate. Not one thing.
So aside from the psychological damage, I think we all survived.
But I have one question---
Is it August yet?