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I truly appreciate that you've decided to share part of your day in my world. I hope your time has been well spent and I've made you smile, laugh or think.





Thursday, January 19, 2017

Dear Rosetta Stone,

Dear Rosetta Stone,

I've really enjoyed your Italian language program.  Molte grazie.

As you may know, the United States may be ending this Friday.  I am sure you are quite busy with so many Americans trying to learn a new language so they have the option of moving.  

My family and I were perusing your website and trying to decide between ordering the Mandarin Chinese program or the Russian program. 

But after much discussion, we decided that I should write and ask you to consider adding a new language in which we are in desperate need- Trumpanese.

We have tried and tried over the past year to fully understand what our future President and his supporters are saying but we still have not been able to crack the code- or find the Rosetta Stone, so to speak.

I was listening to the senate hearings and I think I may have heard Mrs. De Vos say that schools needed guns to keep out grizzlies.

I'm sure grizzlies must mean something else- like perhaps angry PTA parents- because I cannot in my right mind bring up any data that would support a statement that gun free zones for schools should be overturned by federal law to protect students from bears.  Is this is an issue that the fake news has been hiding?

Also, "fake news"-- I'm confused by this term. Should I believe what I see? I remember quite specifically watching fake news where my future President insisted that President Obama was born in Kenya and was a Muslim.  On the same station which is apparently fair and balanced, they broadcast that many of his supporters were very upset by President Obama's radical minister at his Christian church in Chicago.  Which I guess he attended in between "Muslim church" as they called it?  Or in Trumpanese does Muslim mean something else- like "black man with a funny sounding name?"

Because, once again, I am baffled.

I know the term Muslim is also loosely used with the term terrorist to describe people who shoot people.  Having Muslim friends, again I'm confused.  They are actually peace advocates like Muhammed Ali.  They don't have guns.  I know that toddlers in the US are apparently crazy killers with guns.  Could Muslim also be a synonym for toddler?  Or maybe it's a term to interchange with angry, mentally unstable white males since they are, by far, responsible for more mass shootings than any group.  Even gun toting toddlers.

The use of the term Mexican has confused me, too. I've heard Guatemalans, Puerto Ricans  and Colombians all called Mexican.  I think it might apply to everyone who is brownish with dark hair.  I may be Mexican in Trumpanese. 

The motto of "Make America Great Again" has be completely befuddled.  I can't think of any time in American history to which I would want to return.  Which word is Trumpanese?  Is it "great" which might mean "White Male Dominated" but then "again" wouldn't make any sense because, well, white males still constitute the majority of seats in Congress despite only being 35% of the population and over 90% of the Fortune 500 CEOs.  So does "make" mean "keep"? As in "Keep American White Male Dominated" because that totally makes sense if you don't have any hope and don't want to change things.

As you can see, we are very confused.  Sometimes when the future President speaks it's as if he starts the sentence one way and finishes it another.

If you could ask your linguistics team, do words change meaning in Trumpanese based on the speaker?  If the future President says something it is ALWAYS FACT.  But it doesn't sound like fact.  It sounds like he's making it up as he goes.  When I try to listen, my head hurts.  And I promise you, I tried very hard to listen and to understand.  I can't.

We are desperate to understand what he is saying.

And if you could throw in a math segment.  I know for a fact that unemployment is near full employment and underemployment is at a 10 year low.  GDP is growing.  Yet we are apparently in terrible economic shape?  So is the Bureau of Labor Statistics really just fake news even thought they have reported employment numbers for years and aren't partisan?  Or are numbers not finite in Trumpanese?  For example, 4.7% is really 12?

Another example that I need clarification on is how increasing spending AND lowering taxes creates more money for the government.  We have done that before and it doesn't.  I mean, I think there's quite a bit of research on it.  Does deficit spending mean something different if you are in charge?  I know I heard him and many others when they were very upset with deficit spending. Is it a math or language issue?

I've had some of his supporters tell me their taxes were going DOWN but it would appear they were going UP when deductions are removed to make it "easier."  Does easier mean "rip stupid people off?"I know not everyone is impacted the same way, but their magic math is fascinating- it's like Oprah "Everybody gets a car!"

If there is a special way to calculate that, count me in!  I want a new car, too!

Again, I'm confused.

From what I can gather from the first week in Congress, I'm not the only one.  They are saying one thing- like how important protecting pre-existing conditions for health care coverage is- then doing something completely different.  Or saying "we have a plan" but there isn't.  Maybe the Congress would also benefit from a course in Trumpanese?  I would happily pay.

As you can see, Rosetta Stone, this is a serious issue. With only a few hours to go, I'm going to be forced to listen to this bizarre language for four years.  I'm not going to understand anything that is going on.

If you and your team of experts could whip something up, that would be great.

I know you can.

In the interim, we will focus on learning both Chinese and Russian.


Grazie in anticipo,

Mama Bean

3 comments:

Chile Bravo said...

Trumpanese? OMG. Hilarious blog.

Adriane Durand said...

Awesome!

Rita said...

Great read to make me smile today! Thanks!