My Dirty, Little Secret

If you read my Facebook updates, talk to me, know me at all, I have a pretty good life.  I have a career that I am passionate about, a fun husband and two amazing- and I mean amazing- kids.  I even like my mother-in-law.  Still, I was surprised a few weeks ago, when one of my closest friends commented that she was jealous.

Wow.

Jealous of me? 

I was stunned.

Yes, my life is good, but it is definitely far from perfect.  I think the fact that I'm a generally optimistic person has a lot to do with people's perceptions.  I also don't post my dirty laundry on Facebook (although, a big thank you to those of you who do-- it's like a live Jerry Springer episode for some folks- hugely entertaining.  Here's a heads up- if you're changing your relationship status more than once a month from 'single' or 'it's complicated' to 'in a relationship', you're not in love, you're just sleeping with a whole bunch of people for all the world to see.  No need to announce it.  Just a suggestion.).

But my world is not altogether perfect.  In fact, there is a major flaw.

So here it is cyberworld... my dirty, little secret...

I am fat.

What?  You already knew that?

But how? I  hide it so well in giant, oversized, single colored sweaters.

No?

Crap.

Actually, I already knew that.  I've always joked that the downside of being fat is that people can see your "issue"- heroin, I might be able to hide.

But aren't I a jolly, happy fat person?

Heck no.

There are no happy, fat people.  I'm here to tell you that.  Yes, some people may convince themselves that they are pleasantly plump, but they are full of crap.  Utterly.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think that a little junk in the trunk is a bad thing.  I know that you can't make a pug look like a doberman.  I was born with hips.  I don't mind being curvy.  I really, really mind being fat, however.  Especially obesity.  PERIOD.  It will kill you.

It's not even the fat part that REALLY bothers me.  I honestly have never been obsessed with looks.  I'm happily married, my kids love me- I'm good.  What bothers me about it is that I know better.  I absolutely know better. 

If you knew me in college, I was perpetually on my way to the gym or on a walk.  I believe that without health and fitness, the rest doesn't matter.  I know this. 

I would also like to point out that I do not carry weight well at all.  I am not big boned (unless there is a giant, undiscovered bone in my butt).  I wear a size 4 1/2 ring.  Even now.  (I have taken it off and given it to many skinny friends who have questioned this and watched their faces, in shock, as my ring gets stuck at their knuckle, horrifying them into realizing fatness could happen to them, too).  I have a friend that is my height.  She weighed 165.  She wore a 6-8.  At 165, I'm in a tight 16.  I have fluffy fat, apparently.  I have the cotton candy equivalent of fat.  I have always looked heavier than I was.  Which really sucked.

But now, I really AM that fat.  Ick.

No, make that obese.

I have read enough diet books to become a nutritionist or a personal trainer.  I get it.

Sorta.

I mean I get that more calories in than out is a bad thing.  I know that I didn't gain it overnight (well, 14 pounds I did gain in a week- hormone thing).  I also know that if the apocalypse were to come tomorrow, my metabolism would outlast the cockroaches.  Woo hoo!  That's something to look forward to!!

I started reading a book a few days ago called "If I'm So Smart, Why Am I Fat?"  Wow.  It's not a diet book.  It's like it was written for me.  It skims over the obvious stuff- quick lists on good food, encourages exercise, but it's a completely different approach.  It gets to the why behind how I got in this position in the first place. Yes, part of it was a sedentary job, a switch from tea to coffee (those little creamers add), but it's really about not prioritizing my health.

If I had to draw a pie chart of Me over the years it would start like this- the 20 year old me:

Now, the pie is sliced up a bit more....

And I'm not complaining.  There's not one thing in my pie that I don't love.  And I loves me some pie.

However, I've apparently been squeezing in "health and fitness" and now there's no place to squeeze it in.

Well, there is.

And that's the point of this book.

Without making it a priority, I'm dead in the water. And I just learned to swim.

What I loved about this book- and I'm still reading through it- is it addresses all those "other" issues that so many trainers and doctors have poo-poo'd.  The why's.  Let's face it, if it really was just about diet and exercise, we'd all be thin.  The Biggest Losers wouldn't gain most of their weight back.  And they do.  Nearly all of them.   That's crazy.

It's about being conscious, being aware and making it part of the pie.  Right now, I can honestly say, I haven't.  Unless it's Marie Callendar's Chocolate Satin... wait... here I go again...

And it's not like I haven't tried.  One of my best friends who's an avid cyclist, went to a spin class with me a few years back.  Half way through, sweat pouring off both of us, she turned to me and said "Well, it's not like you're dialing it in."  Nope.  I think I've probably lost over 100 pounds in the last 10 years.  Sadly, I've found them all as well as their friends.

I go through these phases where I get all focused on something, it doesn't work, I get busy at work, the kids get sick and can't go to the daycare- whatever it is- and then I give up.  Just when my body is probably ready to jump on the bandwagon with me, I let the rest of the pie control me.  Mmm... pie.. wait... focus... focus...

And can I tell you, I'm sooooooooo sick of shopping at the fat chick's store.   I hate buying clothes because they fit and not because I actually like them.

It's really quite pathetic.  I've never been a shopper, but I certainly had more style than simply "comfortable."  Yikes.

So there you have it, cyber world.  My dirty, little secret that all of you already knew.  I guess I needed to know it as well!

I promise this won't become a weight loss blog- because I can't promise that I will lose weight.  I will keep you posted- good and bad.

Plus, my comment from my friend really made me think.  I wanted to let you know that if you read this, or my Facebook posts and think "Wow, that chick has really got her stuff together" it's not all entirely true.  We all have our issues.  I get the pleasure of wearing mine around with me every single day. 

For now.

Stay tuned....