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Sunday, May 22, 2011

Me, Valium and the Apocalypse

I cannot, for the life of me, take painkillers.  I am actually allergic to an entire drug class- hives- but I'm a light weight when it comes to them.  Fortunately, I have a very high pain threshold, so it very rarely causes me problems. 

Last week I was supposed to get an MRI.  The woman asked me if I was claustrophobic.  I said I didn't think so.  I had been to tanning beds, gotten the kids out of those stupid tunnels- honestly, I didn't think it would be an issue.

Although the brochure mentioned something about a peaceful environment, headsets, etc, this was NOT what I experienced.

There was no headset offered for calming music.

Medication was not offered.

There was, however, a fairly bitchy attendant who was annoyed I was early (I brought a book, no need to rush- I'm fine waiting). 

She was then further annoyed that I couldn't get situated on the "plank" easily (I'm having back problems, so I'm not exactly nimble).

Then slam, bam, into the can I went.

At 15 seconds I politely said "Um, could you please get me out?  This is not going to work."

With her graceful and sweet disposition (ha), rolled her eyes and said "You know, the next time someone asks if you are claustrophobic, you should say YES."  Then hastily told me to get dressed and they would work something out at the front on my co-pay.


I'm very polite.

She was not.

The gal at the front was polite, explained it happened all the time (maybe you should talk to Mrs. Sunshine back there...), suggested I do an opensided MRI or take medication.

Sounded GREAT to me.

So I rescheduled at Steinberg Diagnostic which is almost like going to a spa.  Great staff.  I explained my freak out.  They said no problem, they had drugs, music, etc.

Boy, they weren't kidding.

Since I had freaked out the first time, I was a bit chattier than normal because I was nervous.  They gave me 2 valium.


I like valium.

I had it one time before and it was wonderful.

It makes me smile.

A lot.

I can never have a prescription for valium.  It would be bad.

I got into my gown and it started to kick in.  I had a little trouble with the ties, but managed to get everything in place.  I think.

I probably should have just taken one.


So then I sat in the waiting area, with the other folks.

"Cops" was on TV.

I really don't care for the show.

But on valium.... well, it was a different story.

It was the funniest show I had ever seen.

I laughed.  And laughed.

I sounded like my husband watching "America's Funniest Home Videos."

"He's got a crack pipe IN HIS PANTS..."  ha ha ha ha ha

"Look-- he doesn't have any teeth..." ha ha ha

And then all the news about the rapture- HILARIOUS.

"The end of the world is tomorrow- isn't that too funny?"

The woman who had brought her father in for his MRI, had tears in her eyes.

Not because her father was sick- from me.  She was shaking she was laughing so hard.
And if you think I talk a lot.....well, give me a little valium.

And then there are the texts to my husband.

I also apparently text very funny when stoned.

The MRI went flawlessly.  I didn't need the opensided.  The one I went into was much bigger than at the previous facility (which honestly looked like something out of the late 60's).

I had some tunes.

I was digging it.

"Do you need a break?"

"Nope- just pretending I'm on the beach... keep going..."

I don't even know how long I was in the Tube of Despair.

In my head, I was 20, sitting on the beach in Florida.  It was nice.

I did, for a brief moment, consider if the rapture occurred, since I was being magnetized, would I get sucked up to heaven faster... and it was really hard to keep still and not laugh.

Sometimes, I really crack myself up.

I'm happy to say I survived.  Both the MRI and the End of Days.

But if the apocalypse were to start, I'm taking valium.  Just one this time.

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