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Wednesday, August 3, 2011

How E Harmony Nearly Destroyed My Perfectly Good Marriage

No, it's not what you think....

A few years ago when E-Harmony first started out, my husband and I were watching TV. I  saw the commercial and being my normal, weird self said:

"Hey, we should sign up for it and see if we get matched!"

My husband looked at me like I was nuts.  This is not unusual.

"No, seriously, why not?  Wouldn't it be fun?"

So after some persuading, he agreed.  We agreed to limit our search to just our zip code- we didn't want to break any hearts.

I took my personality test.  It took about 45 minutes.  I have to say, it was quite impressive.  The output was one of the best assessments of my personality.  It was detailed, made some statements about what I would like in my future, in a partner- everything was dead-on.

My husband then took his test.  I tried to argue with him on his answers, he shooed me away, then about 45 minutes later, he got his assessment.  We read it and agreed that it was also very accurate.  Then he asked...

"How many matches did you get?"

"What do you mean?  I think it needs to upload overnight or something, " I replied.

"No, it doesn't.  I already have 23 matches."

"What?"  I asked incredulously.  "I must not have clicked something.  Here, let me check."

And I logged in.

Nothing.

He laughed.

Then I decided to expand my search to all of Las Vegas.

Still nothing.

Then Clark County.

Then the state of Nevada.

Then the WHOLE ENTIRE FREAKING UNIVERSE.

Nothing.

Nada.

Zilch.

No one was compatible with me.

Me, who had been engaged 5 times?

Me?  ME??????

So my husband, laughing his head off, logged back in put the entire world as his search area.

20,000 matches.  I believe at the time, that was the maximum amount the site would allow.

Nothing versus 20,000.

So much for my position that my husband was lucky to snag me.  Apparently, I was the lucky one.  No one in the world would want me.  He, on the other hand, could have had pretty much anyone he wanted.  Or at least had 20,000 options.

Being naturally competitive, I said "Well, it's probably because you'll take anyone.  I just have higher standards."

Well, that didn't really work out for me either-- his response:

"And how lucky that you found the one person who meets those high standards."

Sigh.

Ever since then, the dynamics in our marriage shifted.  I was now the lucky one, fortunate that he would pluck me out of a veritable sea of potential wives-- all who were more suited for him.  He had 20,000 options.  I had him.

I would like to point out that at no time in my profile were the words of sociopath or neurotic used.  I have no idea what was so hideous about me that no one IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE would want me.

Just before our 90 day free trial period ended, I got 2 matches.  One gentleman was a born again Christian and wanted to save my soul.  Not a great opener as I don't think my soul is particularly lost (okay, well, I did sign up for a dating service while I was married....) Another was a divorced man who had so many typos in his intro I couldn't take it. 

My husband, Mr. 20,000 Potential Wives and me, Ms. I'm So Lucky That He Married Me.

Try to live that one down....

I could no longer play the "You are so lucky I put up with your crap" card.  I was left with the Joker.  And it sucked.

He still chortles every time the psychologist from E Harmony comes on talking about how there's a match for everyone "Well, honey, ALMOST everyone" Mr. Bean chimes in.

Jerk.

I will say that although the personality profiles were spot-on, there was one glaring error-

Yes, my husband probably could have married any one of those women and been decently happy.  But he married ME.  And as I like to point out, how boring and dull his life would be had he not.

But in the end it did reinforce something I already knew that maybe he didn't- I am very lucky.  He is one in a million.  Or in this case, one in the universe and beyond.

2 comments:

Helen said...

There was a glitch in the system when you did your profile. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Deanne Medina said...

Yeah, screw EHarmony. We all know you're dreamy...