I am a candy nazi.
If you're going to trick or treat at my house, you had better be able to earn your candy.
Now before you get all judgmental on me, we just finished serving at least 800 trick or treaters.
Yes, you read that right.
I know this because we bought 800 pieces of candy. Our friend even gave us some of the extra candy she had. It's all gone.
Our neighborhood is nuts. The street behind us shuts down and half the people have fully decorated haunted houses. One neighbor hands out beer.
It is shoulder to shoulder.
The past few years have gotten out of control, in fact. People from all over come into our neighborhood with their greedy little hands digging into my candy bowl. My husband teased me about how my liberal tendencies don't translate to candy disbursements. You need the shirt off my back, take it. You want my candy, you need to work for it.
If you are under 12, live in my neighborhood, and know my name (I'm at the school quite a bit and let's face it, Mrs. Bean is easy to remember), you get candy. You can even pick out
the candy you want. That Reese's peanut butter cup-- it's yours if you
If you do not meet the above criteria, there are hoops to jump though...
You must be in costume. Especially if you're a teenager. I will give candy to teenagers if they are in costume. Put a little effort into it. A t-shirt and backpack are NOT a costume. A little face paint, a polite trick or treat- you'll pass. But no costume? No candy.
You have to smile, say "Trick or Treat"" and say "Thank you"- non-negotiable. You stick your greedy little hand right in the bowl and I will snap it away and say "Excuse me?" Manners count.
No adults get candy. Ever. Pimping your infant is not candy worthy. Now if I know you and you're showing off your baby, that's one thing. If I have no clue who you are, no dice. Go on to the next house. And your baby needs to be home in bed. My Laffy Taffy could kill your baby. Go home, candy whore.
Don't make quality assessments on my candy. I'm sorry the M&Ms aren't the kind you like. The 7-11 at the corner sells whatever you want. Give them a shot.
Don't swear in my driveway. F**k might be a common word in your house, but we don't think it's appropriate for kids. To the people with the beer cooler, who were very concerned about the f**king children after the very nice grandma honked her horn so they would move out of the center of the road, we appreciate the concern, but could you go to your f**king neighborhood next time? And use the f**king sidewalks. And shut the f**k up. You didn't need to throw a beer at the woman's car in your effort to protect the f**king kids. Douchebags.
Take one piece. There are a boatload of people around you. It's free. One is more than nothing which is what you're getting if you don't put that second piece back.
Have fun. It's a great holiday. You get to dress up. You can play. You get to eat candy. It's a blast. Don't scream at each other. Enjoy it.
Next year, I'm considering putting a placard out front explaining these rules.
And I'm hoping the drunk posses doesn't knock it the f**k over.