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Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Mama Bean's Rules of Trick or Treating

I am a candy nazi.

If you're going to trick or treat at my house, you had better be able to earn your candy.

Now before you get all judgmental on me, we just finished serving at least 800 trick or treaters.

Yes, you read that right. 


I know this because we bought 800 pieces of candy.  Our friend even gave us some of the extra candy she had.  It's all gone.

Our neighborhood is nuts.  The street behind us shuts down and half the people have fully decorated haunted houses.  One neighbor hands out beer.

It is shoulder to shoulder.

It's crazy.

The past few years have gotten out of control, in fact. People from all over come into our neighborhood with their greedy little hands digging into my candy bowl.  My husband teased me about how my liberal tendencies don't translate to candy disbursements.  You need the shirt off my back, take it.  You want my candy, you need to work for it.

If you are under 12, live in my neighborhood, and know my name (I'm at the school quite a bit and let's face it, Mrs. Bean is easy to remember),  you get candy.  You can even pick out the candy you want.  That Reese's peanut butter cup-- it's yours if you want it.

If you do not meet the above criteria, there are hoops to jump though...

You must be in costume.  Especially if you're a teenager.  I will give candy to teenagers if they are in costume.  Put a little effort into it.  A t-shirt and backpack are NOT a costume.  A little face paint, a polite trick or treat- you'll pass.  But no costume?  No candy.

You have to smile, say "Trick or Treat"" and say "Thank you"- non-negotiable.  You stick your greedy little hand right in the bowl and I will snap it away and say "Excuse me?"  Manners count.

No adults get candy.  Ever.  Pimping your infant is not candy worthy.  Now if I know you and you're showing off your baby, that's one thing.  If I have no clue who you are, no dice.  Go on to the next house.  And your baby needs to be home in bed. My Laffy Taffy could kill your baby. Go home, candy whore.

Don't make quality assessments on my candy.  I'm sorry the M&Ms aren't the kind you like.  The 7-11 at the corner sells whatever you want.  Give them a shot.

Don't swear in my driveway.  F**k might be a common word in your house, but we don't think it's appropriate for kids.  To the people with the beer cooler, who were very concerned about the f**king children after the very nice grandma honked her horn so they would move out of the center of the road, we appreciate the concern, but could you go to your f**king neighborhood next time?  And use the f**king sidewalks.  And shut the f**k up.  You didn't need to throw a beer at the woman's car in your effort to protect the f**king kids.  Douchebags.

Take one piece.  There are a boatload of people around you.  It's free.  One is more than nothing which is what you're getting if you don't put that second piece back.

Have fun.  It's a great holiday.  You get to dress up.  You can play.  You get to eat candy.  It's a blast.  Don't scream at each other.  Enjoy it.

Next year, I'm considering putting a placard out front explaining these rules.

And I'm hoping the drunk posses doesn't knock it the f**k over.


Alena said...

See I LOVE parents in costumes..I think their and they make me laugh....I have yet to hand out candy bc I take my kids trick or treating, but I would so give them candy just for their weirdness..

yeah one piece per person per house...duh!

and who is not happy with a piece of candy...seriously!

Tory K said...

Wow, I'm a little surprised about this take on trick or treating. Yes, it can be annoying if you think of outside people (not from your neighborhood) "raiding your hood", but remember that some people live in unsafe neighborhoods or out in the country and they have to find neighborhoods like yours to safely celebrate.

Maybe a "donation box" for outsiders to voluntarily put in a buck towards the candy cost?

By the way, Halloween is my favorite holiday because I get to be immature and it's considered normal for a day. I shamelessly say "Trick or treat" even though I'm 40 (I did wear a tiger outfit so I was in costume)

I'm actually writing a stand-up bit about the joys of taking a baby trick or treating. They are a gold card into the best treats and I shamelessly raid his pail and he's happy munching on the crappy tootsie rolls while I'm eating the mounds and peanut butter cups :) Parenting has its priveleges.

That being said, no issues about saying thank you, but some kids are really shy about shouting "Trick or treat" my son is like that. I'm working with him, but it's harder for some folks. (He does get the "Thank you" out)

Mama Bean said...

We totally dress up-- we just don't ask for candy! The candy pimps are so sad... "Look how cute my baby give me a Snickers!"

Mama Bean said...

Tor- it was because of the volume and the brawls. 800 drunk people wondering in your neighborhood is scary.