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Saturday, December 8, 2012

Hope Springs and Marital Relations

I'm going to be careful about the wording I use in this blog-- not because I'm a prude, but because if I don't, the traffic that comes through is well, um..... let's just say NOT the highest class of folks.

I had a VERY busy- as in insane-- week at work.  Insane. Next week is looking just as crazy.  Our new dog plays constantly and likes to wake up at 3 or 4 am.  I just wanted to chill out on the couch and watch a nice romantic comedy with the love of my life.  That's my husband, just in case you were curious.

To be more accurate, it really went more like this...

I was tired.  I was in sweats.  My husband was watching the THIRD hour of taped episodes of "Gold Rush" (the 'reality' show about mining for gold in Alaska) and I snapped and said something to the tune of "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!  CAN WE PLEASE WATCH SOMETHING THAT I MIGHT ACTUALLY ENJOY?  I AM EXHAUSTED!"

My husband, frightened, handed me the remote.  I picked "Hope Springs" from On Demand.  It stars Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones.  It was marketed as a romantic comedy about an older couple working to find the magic in their marriage again with the help of Steve Carell.  Sounds great, huh?

Wow.  It really sucked.  Big time.

And in more ways than one.

It.  Was.  The. Slowest. Movie. Ever.


The one where the people are stuck in the ocean and eventually eaten by sharks was faster moving.

They are both such fantastic actors that it was too real.  Way too real.  Like watching your parents.  Like watching your parents talk about sex.

And hummers.  And three ways.


And not in a funny way.  I don't know if they meant the movie to be funny, but it wasn't.  It was sad.

Very sad.

And it made me grossly uncomfortable.  Older people kissing usually makes me smile.  Older people talking about how uncomfortable they are doing the wild thing makes me more uncomfortable than they are.

And after 2 hours this is what I learned-- one night of good sex can fix everything.

It did in the movies.

What crap.

Or is it?

I am very excited to see the movie "This is 40" which is coming out next weekend.  Largely because the trailers contain conversations my husband and I have actually had.  Like the one where he is trying to get some action and the wife says "Oh.... I just took a shower..."  Or he makes a move on her and she says "I really need to take a big dump.  I'm constipated."

You know you've said that stuff, too.

It's difficult to get your sexy on when you have 10,000 things in your head and sometimes you really, really, really just want to get some sleep.

One night turns into another night turns into another night.... everyone I know who is married has had a bad run.

It's a bad habit.  And a tough one to break.

So yes, sometimes, you have to get back up on the horse, so to speak.

In between the assemblies, late nights at work, homework, TV shows (yes, admit it.  Plus, if it's between a new episode of "Castle" .... well, you know what I mean...), I don't feel sexy.  I'm fat.  I really don't like to shave my legs every day.  My brain doesn't turn off.  I feel about as sexy as a cabbage patch doll most days.

But sometimes I just need to put reality aside and channel my inner 25 year old.

And let's face it, we're all a little nicer and happier when we're getting some.

I had a colleague of mine who was basically a trophy wife.  She would say the most hilarious things 'It's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man, Lori...."  stuff from the 1950's.  Or 1890's.  She did share that any time she knew she would want something big, she would put out a LOT that week-- then she could get whatever she wanted.

I hate to say this, but it's kinda true.  Okay, it's really true.

I know the saying is "When Mama's happy, everyone is happy"--but I think the actual mathematical principle is this:

  • Papa gets some.
  • Papa is extra nice to Mama.
  • Mama gets whatever she wants.
  • Mama is happy.
  • Everyone is happy.
  • Mama is so happy that everyone is happy, Papa gets some more.

And the cycle of happy people continues.  Maybe it is that easy?

So I challenge my married* readers during this crazy holiday season- put out more.  Turn off the TV.  Log off the computer.  Go get some from that person that you live with.  They aren't a roommate.  They are your hunka chunka live in love machine.

I know you're tired.  I know you're busy.

I don't care.

It's what, a good 10-15 minutes out of your day?  30 with snuggling?  You can spare it.  We're not talking all nighters,  And if we are, well good for you.  Show-offs.

But seriously, take a little time to find the woo hoo.  Make that your Christmas gift this year.  A little more woo hoo.  I was going to write that you can't put a bow on that, but hey, I don't want to quelch your creativity....

Happy Holidays!!

*I'm assuming my single readers are already getting plenty-- because that's what married people assume.


Helen said...

We've had a super busy day. We are sitting here having a cocktail and he's watching a football game while I'm on the computer and we are half gazing at the Christmas tree which has the lights on.

I just read this to my husband and he made a toast and said he heartily agrees. Why am I not surprised?

Mama Bean said...

Woo hoo! Go for it Mr. and Mrs. Helen!!!

Tory K said...

Hi Lor,

Spot on with this post. But I would also add that no matter how crazy, tired, hectic your marriage and kids can get... you (as a couple) can still find time for it if it's made into a priority. Just ask yourselves, no matter how tired or not in the mood you might have been when the advances come (husband or wife) have you ever regretted giving in?

The only tough part is keeping it spontaneous and not some preprogrammed thing.

And as you covered so well. Us guys are really, really simple to figure out. Just ask the 2 H's....are you hungry? are you horny?

Mama Bean said...

I knew it!