If you're a regular reader, you know I have what I refer to as a 6 hour bladder. No matter what time I go to bed, six hours later, I have to pee.
I used to have an 8-9 hour bladder but well, age. I think.
With this 5 am workout crap I have been TRYING to go to bed early. Which is very hard when I get home around 6 from work, make dinner, eat dinner (which is a thing in our house- we talk-- just like in the sitcoms and movies) and then sit down, watch 20 minutes of TV and it's time for bed.
So I've been lying in bed playing Words With Friends because I haven't gone to bed at 9 since I was 12 years old.
And it doesn't matter. 9 means at 3 I pee.
I think I made it to 3:10 am.
I fell back asleep. The alarm went off at 4:20 and I thought "I'm just going to close my eyes for a minute" and then BAM it's 4:55.
I debated about not going to the gym because my bed was warm and toasty and another 2 hours sounded FANTASTIC.
But I didn't.
Because Stacey would be there. And I'm not going to be THAT friend that convinces you to completely change your schedule to fit theirs and then blows you off. Because I hate that because as I've mentioned I've never had a friend actually show up more than 2-3 times.
Plus, TWO people said "Hey- have you lost weight" this week.
So SOMETHING must be working. And it was on different days so I know it wasn't just the outfit.
I usually wake up happy. Seize the day. Glad to be alive. All that crap.
But I would be lying if I didn't share that this entire week, every time my alarm has gone off I dropped the f-bomb. And I don't mean shouting "Fabulous!"
Today would have been a great day to just screw it. I waivered. Then thought why not, I was already up. I got there late (but oddly at 5:10). Because my locker wasn't locking, my stuff was in Stacey's and she had gone to a class.
So no iPod. I was tuneless.
Then I went to my normal area and it was closed for cleaning.
I did not rock it today. I did not get 6000 steps in. I did my crunches on the ab machine. Chest presses. Some pull ups on the assisted pull up bar. Walked. Stretched.
Which again, is the whole point of the next month. To go. Show up.
Work appears that it may get more challenging with the market volatility of late, but I'm not going to let the Chinese economy and oil prices keep me from being healthy. In the past, I would have said "No... I have to stay informed and read." I can't control it. An hour a day will not make or break my career. An hour a day will, however, make or break my health. And if I'm dead or in the hospital, it really won't help my clients.
I'm not stepping on the scale until I'm certain it will motivate me and not be a "ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!?! THAT'S IT? I CAN PEE THAT MUCH WEIGHT OFF!!!"
Please don't ask.
Stacey asked me today if I was feeling better and the answer is resoundingly yes.
But not why you think. Not because physically I feel better. To be honest, I'm in this weird transition spot where starting to feel better is a reminder of how far I slipped. Again, if I had always been fat or out of shape, I probably wouldn't feel that way, but climbing a flight of stairs and not losing my breath isn't a victory to me- it's a "dumbass- how did you let yourself go so much?"
And that's me. The voice in my head. Yes, I realize that's negative but I'm human and that's what's going on. I'm not always a ball of sunshine, folks.
HOWEVER- and this is a HUGE thing--
I feel good because I am doing something. Truly. The class I took on behavioral alignment models (see a few blogs back) is ringing true.
I value health. I do. I know a lot of people think they do but then do nothing and they are fine. Because at the end of the day they would like to be healthy but other things are more important. Or as I explain when I'm doing the values exercise with my clients "Would you tie yourself to a tree in front of a bulldozer for that?" And for some people, they wouldn't. I get that.
But not me.
Health is huge. It's why I had wanted to be a doctor growing up.
So to not be doing anything to attain health- that bothers me to the core.
Now, if I don't lose any weight, I won't lie- I will be frustrated. However, the joy I am feeling now from this process isn't because the shirt fit, a few people noticed, my endurance has already improved-- it's because I'm being true to my values and taking action.
I feel in control.
And I work in a world where there is very little that I control except my attitude.
You can't quantify the feeling of taking back your life on a FitBit or a scale.
Today, I'm a little happier than I was a few weeks back.
Today, I started my day (well about 20 minutes after peeing and the f bomb) in alignment with what I believe to be important.
And that's far more powerful than a number on a scale.