The Gym was Surprisingly Empty Today....

That's right.  I went to the gym.

However, I am not one of those resolutioner type people clogging up the equipment.

I started back on December 31st. Last year.

So there.

I was hesitant to even blog about any of this.  I was going to start a private blog and then, at the end, post this miraculous story about how I finally lost all this weight.

Because you see, I am nervous.  This is the fourth attempt at this.

Fourth.

I have failed multiple times.

To my credit, three years ago, I completely gave up.  Completely.  The beginning of 2015, I tried running.  For a week.  I learned something very important:

I hate running.

I do.  I'm sorry to all my crazy marathoning friends who swear by it.  But I hate it.  I hated it when I was in shape.

I get nothing Zen from it.  You know where I get my Zen?  Meditating.  Not pounding the pavement avoiding potholes and crazy dogs and drivers or mindlessly thudding along on a treadmill.

I have big boobs- even after the surgery- and it sucks.  So have at it.  I may do the random fun run from time to time, but as a daily activity, I'd rather walk.

But now my weight is settling at a very high, unhealthy number and I've had some weird, nothing serious, health issues that are only going to become lifestyle impacting if I don't lose this weight.

I have been obese for just over 5 years now.  About 8 years before that I was "heavy" - or obese by European standards.  What was once a temporary condition- "I can do this any time I want"- has now become a static part of my life.

I used to shop at Lane Bryant because of my chest.  Now I have to shop in plus size stores.

Plus size clothes are hideous by the way.  They are are either matronly or slutty.  Seriously.  No in between.

And fat people are fat in different ways, so it's hard to make clothes to fit everyone's distinctive fatness.

But here I am again.

And I would also like this to NOT be a request for "helpful hints" from my friends.

Seriously.  STFU.

That's great that you lost 20 lbs.  Good for you.

And let me be clear, I'm pretty sure the 1-2 sodas I drink a year and the once a month fast food I grab because we're traveling aren't the causes of my weight.  Cutting that out will have no impact whatsoever.  I hadn't eaten a Cinnabon in over a decade and yet I still managed to put on 80 lbs.

Here's how I got fat:

I switched from tea to coffee with cream- 100 calories a day = 12 pounds a year.

I stopped exercising regular = 20 pounds each year.

I have a sedentary job. Priceless.

And once you get overweight, your body actively fights against you to lose it.  I spent an entire year tracking what I ate on Spark People.  I did spin classes 3 days a week.  I had only  four days that I ate more than 1500 calories.  In a year, I lost 7 lbs.  Not 2 pounds a week.  Seven in a YEAR.

I broke down and tried Weight Watchers.  I wouldn't say it was useless because I've had friends who said it was life changing (and it was for them).  For me, calories in versus calories out had no impact.  I also hated listening to people in the groups talk about how the cut out soda and fast food and had these miraculous results.  Yes, cutting 2,000 calories a day WILL do that.  To WW's credit, they have completely revamped their program. 

I did the Whole 30 program and had amazing success.  Of course, part of their program is coming off it.  Which sadly coincided with the holidays and that was about 3 years ago.  I gained the weight back fairly slowly.

All of it.

And it brought some friends.

And speaking of friends, I think that's what is going to make all the difference.  I've had 2 friends lose over 100 pounds.  One did it consistently over a 1 year time period.  Another did it more recently in a Biggest Loser type competition.    This last friend and I talked about it and I asked her for help.

We sat down and came up with a workout plan.  To meet at the gym at 5 am.

Six days a week.

We backed into this past week- over the holidays- and today was our first 5 am.

There is no way in hell she wants to gain her weight back.  Ever.

She likes classes.  I'm more of a private work out person doing a nice circuit set up by a trainer years ago.  It works.  I like it. 

So all we are committing to is showing up.  An "I see you" buddy.  A quick text in the morning.  A commitment to meet.

Because apparently health and longevity aren't motivators for me.  Disappointing my friend or having someone think badly of me-- far more of an incentive.

The carrot at the end of the stick for me- a new car.  I could get one tomorrow if I wanted, but I don't really need one.  I would like one with a third row seat.   And I finally found the car I want to get.  But that's a secret for now.

I'm taking a class on behavioral finance- why people do what they do.  There's a whole segment on aligning your values and your actions.  Health has always been a priority for me.  This last decade or so, it's really not been a focus.  My actions would not indicate that it is.  So I've been frustrated and depressed.  I'm not living in alignment with my values.

We are having our closets done and the designer and I were talking about the class (she majored in Psychology in college).  I told her that when your values are out of alignment with your actions you often try to mask it by doing other things.  For instance, my closet is a wreck because I hate my fat clothes.  I am masking the real issue by simply having the closets redone and professionally designed.  Maybe if I had a pretty closet, I would keep it neater...

Maybe if the clothes hanging in the closet were better representative of who I am on the inside, I would be neater.  My closet used to be color coded-- no joke.  It used to look like a boutique.  Now it looks like Old Navy after a sale.

This is also the first time I realized that I am terrified.  I'm terrified that I'm going to fail.  I'm terrified that I will forever be a fat person- and trust me, people are nasty as shit to fat people- that's a real thing.  I'm terrified that this is going to hurt because it will.  I'm terrified that I don't have the will power and what does that say about me?  I'm terrified that I lost a part of who I am by allowing myself to get fat.

So there it is cyber world.

It's all out there.

I will exercise to be healthy.   I will exercise because I enjoy it.  I will not exercise to lose weight because once the weight is off, I will keep exercising.  I'm changing my mindset.

I will say good bye to sugar for the next year or so because if I'm going to get up at 5 am, I had better change my diet, too.

And this time next year, I will be driving my new car. 

And I will be healthier.